[The Fantasy Food Groups] Cooking Rotisserie Style - Fantasy Sports Forums

metaldude26 · #1 03-07-2011, 08:27 PM

The Fantasy Food Groups: Cooking Rotisserie Style

We know you have a hunger only fantasy hockey can satisfy. That is why at Metaldude's Fine Diner we are cooking up all sorts of tasty treats. We have all the Fantasy Food Groups covered, everything a growing hockey pool could need. Whether your team needs a punch of flavour or your league is looking to spice things up a bit, let this column be your culinary guide.

Drinks

Eau de Vie (Water) - Goals and Assists You need it to survive. At their most basic, most elemental, hockey pools are simply points only. Just tally up your goals and assists; the person with the most wins. You need these categories in some shape or form to run a successful pool. Without it life would never exist.

Water Refill - Points Did you just order a pitcher of water half way through the meal? Overkill my friend, overkill.

MD's Fine Wine - Shutouts Why? Cuz it's a celebration baby! You definitely do not need it to have a good time, but let's be honest it just makes a good meal go down better. Not all years are good though so look out. If you are wise however you might find yourself with a rare vintage like a '54 Sawchuk, a '75 Parent, '98 Hasek or a more recent splendour such as the '07 Brodeur. You may however want to avoid the '09 Toskala whose earthy tones will surely leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Oh and whatever you do please pass on the '88 Pang. It is a mockery to the term "full bodied."

Sides

Buttered Bread Rolls - Wins You don't technically need goalies for your pool to survive but there is a damn good chance you want them. Wins are literally the bread and butter for goalies. They are the most traditional means of valuing a goaltender. They aren't the best by any means but they are quite effective when there are no other options. Plus they make a great appetizer when preparing a full course meal.

Steamed/Raw Vegetables - Plus/Minus Pretty much a staple of any good meal. You do not technically need them and most would agree they don't even really like them, but they are a part of a well balanced diet.

Mashed Potatoes - Blocked Shots Mashed to perfection by the powerful slappers of defensemen around the league. They are not exactly good for your health, you could argue they are even decadent but no one will hold it against you for indulging in some mashed potatoes. In moderation they are a meaningful part of a balanced diet.

Roto Meals

Choice of Meat - PIM/Hits/Majors Just like in the real world there are plenty of fantasy players who just don't like meat. Maybe it is the taste or maybe they just don't like to see the work Matt Cooke puts in at the slaughterhouse. It is clear that you do not need meat. There are plenty of other options on the menu. But we know most still like it, in fact they love it. They wouldn't do a fantasy league without their serving of meat.

Hits are like Tonight's Special: The broiled duck. Just as the broiled duck will expose the talents of a chef so too will hits show a player's true physical impact. It takes a true connoisseur and maybe some blind luck to see the incredible value of hits. You will never find yourself saying, "Oh just throw some duck in there!" so it requires an informed decision. In the end though, Hits are always the right choice. For many the duck is just too far off the beaten track. We don't blame you; it can be an acquired taste. Still there has to be another option than simply throwing in some ground beef. Enter Major Penalties, the Ribeye of the fantasy hockey world. Much like the duck, it is not on the menu everywhere but it offers a much more palatable alternative for novice users. We like PIM because we like the idea of rewarding fighters. Why not cut through the bull and get down to what you really like? No one is taking ground beef over a Ribeye so why should you have to settle for PIM when you could have Major Penalties? We promise to sear it to perfection!

Pasta with sauce - Save % and Goals Against Average Rotisserie leagues are a marathon, you best load up on carbs. No better way than with Save % and GAA, they are the cream of the crop when it comes to goalie categories. Save % is slippery like a noodle, if you aren't paying attention it will get away from you in a hurry. GAA is the sauce and trust us when we say less is more. In the end you cannot have one without the other. There are other entrees but this is the Chef's specialty. We highly recommend it.

Eggs to your liking - Saves Whether you are cooking up some Wins or a nice Save % you have to start from scratch. That means Saves are on the menu. We don't recommend them on their own but they do go down nice with some toasted Wins. Some are hard, some are easy and plenty wind up scrambled.

Dessert

Fruit Platter - Power Play Points (PPP) Just as everyone hates vegetables and loves fruit, people hate the plus-minus category but love PPP. It's almost inexplicable. In the end they are both mostly water but PPP give you that sweet kick of sugar you crave. Oh and they pack enough vitamins to cure what ails you.

Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream - Power Play Goals and Assists Well aren't you cute? The fruit platter just wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to take those perfectly sliced apples and go out and try to make a pie out of them. What's more, you scooped two dollops of vanilla ice cream on top. That is not just decadent that is self indulgent, vain and quite frankly overboard. Congratulations, you have spoiled your appetite and mine.

Double Fudge Chocolate Cake - Face Off Wins (FOW) It is not so bad if you have the stomach for that sort of thing. Most people do not in fact some are even allergic to the idea of FOW but for the special chocolate loving centermen out there this is as good as it gets. It can overwhelm some of the smaller meals out there but if you are doing it big then you must finish up with FOW.

Extras

Gravy - Short Handed Points (SHP) Be careful when you order this side dish because it can go wrong in a big hurry. Nothing ruins a good entree like too much gravy. You can always go wrong by adding too much so SHP might be a little overboard but if you aren't quite digging your meat and potatoes on their own, then maybe you drizzle a little gravy on there.

Condiment Rack - Shots on Goal (SOG) You will find this pretty much anywhere you go. You cannot really count on any meal to be good but you know the condiment rack will be there. It is almost as elemental as Goals and Assists. You can put them on any meal. In fact they have probably already been sprinkled in. You can never go wrong with a little salt and pepper, baby. And ketchup? I put that stuff on everything.

- Alright so now that we're playing Chef we have to ask, when is it appropriate to use "Bam"? We hope you enjoyed this month's article, because it was only an appetizer. Look out for our monthly cook book with recipes that will make your mouth water. Now if you'll excuse us the Iron Chef just came on.

Head Chef Steve "MetalDude26" Laidlaw
Sous Chef Gates "GMG" Imbeau

This isn't lean cuisine, it's mean cuisine!

GMGates · #2 03-07-2011, 08:43 PM

Priceless - great working with you my friend!

Poolies, expect many more editions

For the full effect click below:

Page 1 - http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y14...us/PG1copy.jpg

Page 2 - http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y14...us/PG2copy.jpg

Page 3 - http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y14...us/PG3copy.jpg

TK12555 · #3 03-07-2011, 08:46 PM

...not as good as epicmealtime

Nice article guys.

metaldude26 · #4 03-07-2011, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TK12555

...not as good as epicmealtime

Nice article guys.

Next month we eat TK.

TK12555 · #5 03-07-2011, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by metaldude26

Next month we eat TK.

Then we eat Lebda.

dyzfunctioned · #6 03-07-2011, 08:53 PM

I can't believe you actually made menus... haha

dyzfunctioned · #7 03-07-2011, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TK12555

Then we eat Lebda.

You guys are gross.

As a sidenote, this reminds me that I meant to use Penalties Drawn instead of PIM in the UHL... Hmm, too late for a change?

GMGates · #8 03-07-2011, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dyzfunctioned

I can't believe you actually made menus... haha

Nothing but the best for our readers!

metaldude26 · #9 03-07-2011, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dyzfunctioned

You guys are gross.

As a sidenote, this reminds me that I meant to use Penalties Drawn instead of PIM in the UHL... Hmm, too late for a change?

Perhaps we release an updated menu some time in the future. Just like fantasy owners and their prized prospects us chefs are always looking to improve!

GMGates · #10 03-07-2011, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TK12555

Then we eat Lebda.

Then we eat Clitsome, Grant.

too far?! lol...

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Fantasy Ranking

Login Form