Dear Fantasy Hockey,

I love you because you give me a sanctuary where I can freely eviscerate my own credibility with statements like “Shane Doan is a ****ing stud. He’s a 70 pt guy with solid PIM upside. I can’t trade him for anything less than Hall or maybe Kreider plus your first rounder.”

I love how, once I have caught my fellow owner in a spell of delirium, and he’s hit that beautiful and seductive little “accept” button on the trade screen, I can continue to bore to the center of hypocrisy by telling other members in league chat things like, “I can’t believe I got the Kreider package. Doan’s got 50 pts in him this year at best, and I’m concerned about his health.”

Finally, I love reaching the apex of ridiculous self-contradiction when the trade commission is convened, and I argue to league members that the trade is fair because Doan is “a multi-cat monster.”