This week I'm taking an in-depth look at the common characters of a Fantasy Draft. I can pretty much promise that everyone who reads this will relate to the guys in this list, however I must point out that if there is guy in this list that you don't recognize in your draft, than you are probably him. Also, I suggest you not drink hot coffee in your underwear while reading this, as it contains some of the funniest crap I have ever written. Enjoy.
THE "BEARER OF BAD NEWS" GUY - This guy is guaranteed to be present at each and every draft. He often lurks in the corner, similar to what fat girls do during the announcing of the Homecoming Queen at a high school dance. He waits patiently for a player with a training camp injury to be drafted and then bang ... he strikes. This guy is a frustrating little prick, however he always seem to corn-hole himself and draft an injured player in the later rounds. Mass mocking and a shit-storm of insults usually ensue.
THE "DRINKS TOO MUCH" GUY - This guy is the life of the draft for the first 10 rounds, a blabbering idiot for the middle 10 rounds, and an incoherent mess for the last 10 rounds. Rarely does this guy finish higher than ninth in the standings. Often, you will hear this guy talking about how he can't wait to get to the strippers after the draft. In some cases, this guy has been known to pass out between picks in the later rounds. It sucks when you get stuck sitting next to this guy. It sucks even more when you are this guy.
THE "TOTALLY F----- UNPREPARED" GUY - This guy always has a lengthy list of piss poor reasons for not being prepared such as his wife giving birth, having to work 18 hour days, or having a parent in the hospital. This guy usually goes unnoticed for the first 15 rounds or so when the picking is easy, but he can single-handedly turn the draft into an 18 hour affair from that point on. This guy is also the most mocked by The Bearer Of Bad News Guy throughout the course of the evening. Experts also say that this guy usually has a very messy garage, an expired license plate sticker, a mismatched couch and loveseat, and is generally very unkempt.
THE "PRICK WHO SNAGS YOUR PICKS" GUY - This guy busts your balls each and every year by stealing your next pick right out from under your nose four or five times during the draft. If you are not careful, things can get pretty personal with this guy around the time he bones you out of a fourth consecutive pick. The problem with this guy is that you know exactly who this guy is going to be as soon as the draft order is set, and there is nothing you can do about it. On the other hand, the guy picking right behind you thinks you are this guy.
THE "OVERWEIGHT, GREASY FINGERED, CHEAT SHEET BORROWING" GUY - This guy is usually named Jimbo, Big Al, or Porky. His idea of a good draft is eating a bag of Doritos in the first round, an entire Kielbasa ring in Round 2, a Hero Sandwich in Round 3, and so on. The funny thing about this guy is that despite the fact he will spend $130 on snacks, he is always the guy with a 12-pack of no-name generic soda. This guy often arrives in a rusty mini-van or gets dropped off by his mom.
THE "LIED TO HIS WIFE ABOUT WHERE HE WAS GOING" GUY - This nut-less wonder is all too common these days. Often dressed in cheap Wal-Mart jeans because his wife spends his pay-check on scratch tickets and Bingo, this guy will arrive midway through Round 4 and leave a list of his last five picks with the guy next to him when he jets by 10:30. More often than not, this guy was the Drinks Too Much Guy before he got married. More often than not, he will be that guy again after she leaves him and takes his house.
THE "TAKES A DUMP THAT CAUSES A SMOKE BREAK" GUY - This guy is usually quite jolly and generally a pleasure to sit next to at the draft. He rarely comes unprepared, is polite, makes smart selections, and always finishes in the upper half of the standings. He never forgets to say thank you, often asks about your children, and will usually wind up giving The Drinks Too Much Guy a ride home. However, at some point around midway through the draft, he will drop an atomic, mind altering, eye watering dump in the toilet that is closest to the draft table. The smell will be so thick, you could pound a nail into it and hang your coat up. He will chuckle ... everyone else will go outside for 20 minutes.
THE "DRAFTS A GREAT TEAM (FOR 2002)" GUY - This guy will act like he knows his stuff and then will take Mark Recchi in the eighth round. This guy is also ignorant enough to think he is brilliant when two of his 30 picks have the all too rare "comeback" season. If the categories in your draft include Playoff Experience, Locker Room Leadership, and awful looking, half brown/half grey playoff beards, than this guy would be money. A 3/4 sleeve RATT shirt, skin-tight acid washed jeans, high tops, and a mullet are the general uniform of this guy. This guy always seems to be a deodorant-optional fella as well.
THE "DRAFTS A GREAT TEAM (FOR 2014)" GUY - The exact opposite of the above guy, this guy's final team will have less pubic hair than Michael Jackson's boyfriend. (Insert tasteless joke sound here) This guy will draft at least five guys who won't play a single game in the show all season, and draft another dozen or so that get about six minutes a game. Be careful when trading with this guy because if he includes a player to be named later, it is probably because the player's parents just haven't got around to it yet.
THE "CALLS PLAYERS BY NICKANAMES LIKE HE KNOWS THEM" GUY - This guy drives me nuts. He calls Dany Heatley "Heats" and Joe Thornton "J-Tho". He calls Jeff Carter "Cartsy" and he calls Patrick Kane "Kaner" This guy can actually make my blood pressure go up. Actually my blood pressure is going up just writing about this guy. This guy keeps a record of his Grade 9 basketball stats in his wallet. This guy also goes to autograph signings at the mall and pushes in front of kids. Boo this guy. Boo.
THE "TEXTING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL" GUY - This guy just gets old. After reminding him for the 11th straight round that it is his pick, and him picking a guy that has already been chosen once again, you just want to grab this guy's phone and smash it. Seriously guy, your girlfriend will still be there in four hours or your homies will wait for you before heading down to the club. This dink always has the newest $800 dollar phone but can never seem to remember to bring his $25 to enter the draft. He always has a ring tone that makes you want to neuter him as well.
THE "BRINGS 12 DIFFERENT DRAFT GUIDES" GUY - This guy trust's everyone's opinion but his own, and that is probably a good thing. When it is his turn to draft he looks like Harry Potter trying to find a spell in that big-ass spell book while Voldemort shoots flaming cats at him, only this guy has 12 spell books. The bottom line is that we don't need this guy ... we already have this guy ... he is mentioned above as Totally F----- Unprepared Guy. Would someone please tell this guy that buying every Fantasy rag on the shelf makes him look stupid, not smart. Plus, at some point his magazine shuffling usually spills my beer, and then it is go time.
THE "BRINGS DOBBER'S DRAFT GUIDE" GUY - This guy just plain kicks ass in whatever pool he is in
Hope you enjoyed it