| It Takes All Types To Make A Draft | Tweet |
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| Written by Chris Burns | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Wednesday, 09 September 2009 11:58 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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This week I'm taking an in-depth look at the common characters of a Fantasy Draft. I can pretty much promise that everyone who reads this will relate to the guys in this list, however I must point out that if there is guy in this list that you don't recognize in your draft, than you are probably him. Also, I suggest you not drink hot coffee in your underwear while reading this, as it contains some of the funniest crap I have ever written. Enjoy.
THE "BEARER OF BAD NEWS" GUY - This guy is guaranteed to be present at each and every draft. He often lurks in the corner, similar to what fat girls do during the announcing of the Homecoming Queen at a high school dance. He waits patiently for a player with a training camp injury to be drafted and then bang ... he strikes. This guy is a frustrating little prick, however he always seem to corn-hole himself and draft an injured player in the later rounds. Mass mocking and a shit-storm of insults usually ensue.
THE "DRINKS TOO MUCH" GUY - This guy is the life of the draft for the first 10 rounds, a blabbering idiot for the middle 10 rounds, and an incoherent mess for the last 10 rounds. Rarely does this guy finish higher than ninth in the standings. Often, you will hear this guy talking about how he can't wait to get to the strippers after the draft. In some cases, this guy has been known to pass out between picks in the later rounds. It sucks when you get stuck sitting next to this guy. It sucks even more when you are this guy.
THE "TOTALLY F----- UNPREPARED" GUY - This guy always has a lengthy list of piss poor reasons for not being prepared such as his wife giving birth, having to work 18 hour days, or having a parent in the hospital. This guy usually goes unnoticed for the first 15 rounds or so when the picking is easy, but he can single-handedly turn the draft into an 18 hour affair from that point on. This guy is also the most mocked by The Bearer Of Bad News Guy throughout the course of the evening. Experts also say that this guy usually has a very messy garage, an expired license plate sticker, a mismatched couch and loveseat, and is generally very unkempt.
THE "PRICK WHO SNAGS YOUR PICKS" GUY - This guy busts your balls each and every year by stealing your next pick right out from under your nose four or five times during the draft. If you are not careful, things can get pretty personal with this guy around the time he bones you out of a fourth consecutive pick. The problem with this guy is that you know exactly who this guy is going to be as soon as the draft order is set, and there is nothing you can do about it. On the other hand, the guy picking right behind you thinks you are this guy.
THE "OVERWEIGHT, GREASY FINGERED, CHEAT SHEET BORROWING" GUY - This guy is usually named Jimbo, Big Al, or Porky. His idea of a good draft is eating a bag of Doritos in the first round, an entire Kielbasa ring in Round 2, a Hero Sandwich in Round 3, and so on. The funny thing about this guy is that despite the fact he will spend $130 on snacks, he is always the guy with a 12-pack of no-name generic soda. This guy often arrives in a rusty mini-van or gets dropped off by his mom.
THE "LIED TO HIS WIFE ABOUT WHERE HE WAS GOING" GUY - This nut-less wonder is all too common these days. Often dressed in cheap Wal-Mart jeans because his wife spends his pay-check on scratch tickets and Bingo, this guy will arrive midway through Round 4 and leave a list of his last five picks with the guy next to him when he jets by 10:30. More often than not, this guy was the Drinks Too Much Guy before he got married. More often than not, he will be that guy again after she leaves him and takes his house.
THE "TAKES A DUMP THAT CAUSES A SMOKE BREAK" GUY - This guy is usually quite jolly and generally a pleasure to sit next to at the draft. He rarely comes unprepared, is polite, makes smart selections, and always finishes in the upper half of the standings. He never forgets to say thank you, often asks about your children, and will usually wind up giving The Drinks Too Much Guy a ride home. However, at some point around midway through the draft, he will drop an atomic, mind altering, eye watering dump in the toilet that is closest to the draft table. The smell will be so thick, you could pound a nail into it and hang your coat up. He will chuckle ... everyone else will go outside for 20 minutes.
THE "DRAFTS A GREAT TEAM (FOR 2002)" GUY - This guy will act like he knows his stuff and then will take Mark Recchi in the eighth round. This guy is also ignorant enough to think he is brilliant when two of his 30 picks have the all too rare "comeback" season. If the categories in your draft include Playoff Experience, Locker Room Leadership, and awful looking, half brown/half grey playoff beards, than this guy would be money. A 3/4 sleeve RATT shirt, skin-tight acid washed jeans, high tops, and a mullet are the general uniform of this guy. This guy always seems to be a deodorant-optional fella as well.
THE "DRAFTS A GREAT TEAM (FOR 2014)" GUY - The exact opposite of the above guy, this guy's final team will have less pubic hair than Michael Jackson's boyfriend. (Insert tasteless joke sound here) This guy will draft at least five guys who won't play a single game in the show all season, and draft another dozen or so that get about six minutes a game. Be careful when trading with this guy because if he includes a player to be named later, it is probably because the player's parents just haven't got around to it yet.
THE "CALLS PLAYERS BY NICKANAMES LIKE HE KNOWS THEM" GUY - This guy drives me nuts. He calls Dany Heatley "Heats" and Joe Thornton "J-Tho". He calls Jeff Carter "Cartsy" and he calls Patrick Kane "Kaner" This guy can actually make my blood pressure go up. Actually my blood pressure is going up just writing about this guy. This guy keeps a record of his Grade 9 basketball stats in his wallet. This guy also goes to autograph signings at the mall and pushes in front of kids. Boo this guy. Boo.
THE "TEXTING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL" GUY - This guy just gets old. After reminding him for the 11th straight round that it is his pick, and him picking a guy that has already been chosen once again, you just want to grab this guy's phone and smash it. Seriously guy, your girlfriend will still be there in four hours or your homies will wait for you before heading down to the club. This dink always has the newest $800 dollar phone but can never seem to remember to bring his $25 to enter the draft. He always has a ring tone that makes you want to neuter him as well.
THE "BRINGS 12 DIFFERENT DRAFT GUIDES" GUY - This guy trust's everyone's opinion but his own, and that is probably a good thing. When it is his turn to draft he looks like Harry Potter trying to find a spell in that big-ass spell book while Voldemort shoots flaming cats at him, only this guy has 12 spell books. The bottom line is that we don't need this guy ... we already have this guy ... he is mentioned above as Totally F----- Unprepared Guy. Would someone please tell this guy that buying every Fantasy rag on the shelf makes him look stupid, not smart. Plus, at some point his magazine shuffling usually spills my beer, and then it is go time.
THE "BRINGS DOBBER'S DRAFT GUIDE" GUY - This guy just plain kicks ass in whatever pool he is in
Hope you enjoyed it BURNSY
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Comments (36)
Chris
said:
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... THE "CALLS PLAYERS BY NICKANAMES LIKE HE KNOWS THEM" GUY Kind sounds like that clown Eklund: Mik and Cheech are two of the best players on the Sharks when it comes to HEART. The Sens did amazingly well by adding two positive people and subtracting a negative situation. http://www.hockeybuzz.com/blog.php?post_id=22925 |
mick
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what the guy who picks the same players each year! there is always a guy who picks the same players each year, generally an oiler fan who picks ryan smyth no matter what team he plays for! |
Jeff Angus
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... Some amazing feedback so far... What about "Mr. Excited" aka the guy who shouts his picks every round too early and tips off the opposition? |
derek
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I am one of these guys... My first draft this year I drafted the team that was good for 2002... These are good! |
Bryan Paisley
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... They are all excellent, but THE "CALLS PLAYERS BY NICKANAMES LIKE HE KNOWS THEM" GUY one is right on the money. I hate that f#$ker. Lids, Vinny, Kipper, Gabby, Kovo, and The Bouwmeister. I could kill that guy. |
Louis-Alexandre Jalbert
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... A few more types, for the fun of it: - The guy who got one big sleeper: He acts like his invented a super-secret NASA formula to predict a sleeper, and he got his guy this year. He's not telling us right now (in fact, he usually shield his cheat list around like he got Bill Gates bank account in there), but he assures us that we'll all be floored when he will unleash his super-secret mega sleeper on us. Usually, either someone else picks the guy before him (in which case his whole season is lost) or the guy is a stiff. - The social guy: He's not really into fantasy hockey (sometimes, he's not really into hockey at all), except there's no way is missing a draft is there's people and beer included. He's chatty during the draft, except he doesn't talk about his picks or hockey in general. He always forgets that it is his turn to pick and can be talked into wasting a good pick for comedy's sake. - The guy in there for the money: The 20$ entry fee means a lot to him, and he's there to collect some interest on his investment. He doesn't care as much about winning as he wants to make some money. He would finish last in the prize money went to the last guy. His comments always talks about the money involved (with this pickup I'll put my hand on the 200$; you're saying this only because you don't want me cashing in....) - The guy who doesn't make the difference between fantasy hockey and real life hockey: He takes defensive D-Man and gritty forward. Overvalues win over GAA and SV% whe picking his goalies. He builds him team like a NHL 09 team and figures that if he get good players, he'll have good stats. |
Ryan Lenethen
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Missing Option You also forgot "The I didn't do any research or bring any books, or make a list, can I borrow yours?" He is the guy who will blithy ask without cracking a smile if he can borrow all your hard researched material (including your dobber list GASP!) because they were too lazy and ill prepared to do anything. The general reaction is the "go to hell" or hissing followed by "My precious, My precious, mine!". Usually someone will feel pity and give him a useless copy of the Hockey News that came out in June. He then transforms into the ill prepared guy that holds everyone up after the early rounds. |
STONE.
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... "Thanks for all the great feedback fellas ... it makes passing up sex with my wife in order to write a column almost worth it!" That's funny stuff. |
MilleFeuilles
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... You forgot the most annoying! lol The one who does not show up and does it from his cell. Come to think of it, the worst is the one that does not even call. |
Chris Burns
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Awesome Stuff I knew this article would get the boys talking and I was right. Nice additions Finnbar and Stone. Isn't it great how as you read the article, a guy in your pool pops into your head as you read each one? Thanks for all the great feedback fellas ... it makes passing up sex with my wife in order to write a column almost worth it! |
Finnbar
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... Great article! And it really only scratches the surface.... "Calls out names" Guy: when unprepared guy is leafing through his books, has already tried to pick 5 players that are already gone (we have a beer fine for this, as do most leagues I hope), and can't give you a name, this guy will shout out players across the room. There are 8 picks ahead of him, what does he care? Calls-out-names guy should be shot on sight and left out front of the draft room as a warning to others. "Trash-talking for no reason" guy: usually a new guy to your pool.... will not shut up about how he's going to school you all this year, you don't even have a chance, why did you guys even show up? Then proceeds to crap the bed, getting confused about who is taken and drafting out of turn 3 or 4 times. Has never finished in the money. Most likely never will. "Blow-your-wad" guy (auction only): every single year, spends all his cash on 5 of the first 10 players out, then has to sit there fuming as he is shut out of every other good player. Curses himself for being such a putz as he fills out his squad with Radek Bonk and Brooks Orpik. Guaranteed to do it again the following year. "Running commentary" guy: thinks the draft is being broadcast on TSN and he is the play-by-play announcer. After every pick he will tell someone his opinion, and how he thinks the draft is going. "A good move, he needs a goalie."/"He's going big on Sharks this year!"/"That guy was the steal of the draft!" Um, who are you talking to? "Sneaks up on you" guy: sits there the whole day with a smug little smile on his face and makes the odd snide comment. Otherwise is silent except for his picks. You assume he's a newbie and doesn't want to look silly..... until you're breaking down the teams the next day and he's blowing everyone out of the water. And he took all your late-round 'sleeper' picks. And your sister just called and you find out she slept with him last night. I hate this guy. There have to be more.... Nicely done Chris! |
STONE.
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... Thought I'd add the "The More Fan than Fantasy Guy" -- he drafts players from his team a round too early, gets pissed when someone takes his team's players, and refuses to draft any players in his team's division b/c he doesn't want to root against his team 6 times a year. |
ducat2
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... This is my rookie year of fantasy hockey. I was headed pall-mall to becoming an amalgamation of the top twelve personality types. As fate would have it, I stumbled across Dobberhockey.com. With the Dobber Draft Guide now in hand, I intend to "just plain kick as" and even bring the air freshener with me to the john. |
Shoeless
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... Oh lord - I think I need to take the day off work to deal with the pain of laughing to hard. |
2legit2quit
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... Did he just call you Burnsy? We know which guy at the draft he is! He's a combo draftee; drinks too much and nickname guy. That's a lethal combo. |
Chris
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... THE "CALLS PLAYERS BY NICKANAMES LIKE HE KNOWS THEM" GUY Sounds like 80% of the posters in the forum....lol |
Rad64
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... That was frickin awesome, Burnsy.  Perfect read during coffee! Funny thing is, I'm heading to my "First" offline draft later this month. I'll keep an eye out for these guys and report back unless, of course, I end up being the THE "DRINKS TOO MUCH" GUY!!  |
Zorro
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... Is that dude in the yellow shirt supposed to be Dobber himself? I see the red hair but damn it's close.. |
Zorro
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... Wow, what a read. That was amazing. Who hasn't met this guy: He is at every draft that I am ever in. THE "CALLS PLAYERS BY NICKANAMES LIKE HE KNOWS THEM" GUY I'll take "Heater" I'll take "Iggy" I'll take "Ovie" I'll take "Gino" HAHAHA, you just want to strangle the little prick, HAHA.. |
Jorge
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... I want that pitcher of beer those guys at the table have. It has to be at least 120oz. Now I'm thirsty............... |
Scribe
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Funny stuff Burnsy, thanks for the warning. I nearly -- repeat, nearly -- pissed myself reading that. |
notoriousjim
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... there is also always the guy who whines about every rule that you have. if the rule states that you use SHP, he hates it, if you get rid of it next year he cries.... that guy does not get a 3rd shot. |
Jason Bowden
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ha good stuff..funny, my fav is about the dumb smell that you can hang your coat on. |
Johnny Boston
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Don't be that guy Haha, that is so true. I could put a name to everyone on that list. Except "Drinks Too Much" guy. I don't recognize him at all. Come to think of it, I don't remember drafting any of the guys on my team after round 10.... |
Eric Daoust
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I'm the guy with the dobberhockey mag I'm typically the only one with a laptop at the draft, I site in my own chair away from the shoulder nudgers on the couch, and just delete rows off my spreadsheet as guys get picked. And I just kick ass, two pools last year, finished 1st and 2nd. |
Dobber
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... Exclusive - you'll have to expose your secret site to your friends, sorry! But don't worry - they all know about DobberHockey and are pretending that it's their secret as well! |
Rossi
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Exclusive Article? Very funny article? Burnsy, is this article exclusive to Dobber hockey or is it linked elsewhere on the internet? |
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