While I was able to pop into the draft chat for a bit last Friday, I’ll be busy playing some old-time road hockey and quaffing cold bottles of beer during the Free-Agent chat…thus, I will have to leave the July 1 chat to more serious (and likely better informed) hockey fans.
But I didn’t want to completely ignore my duties, so I humbly present the 2010 NHL Free-Agency Day Drinking Game. It might be a relatively sparse year for free-agents, but that doesn’t mean the day can’t be fun!
Official Rules of the 2010 NHL Free-Agency Drinking Game
- Do not start drinking before noon. But if you do, you must do so in secret and only produce the empty bottles after 12:00pm. Shrug and deny any wrong-doing should any league executive, (or your spouse), challenge your actions.
- The first person to mention a trade involving Tomas Kaberle forces everyone else to drink from their beverage.
- Everyone who mentions Kaberle after this initial instance must immediately chug the remainder of their drink. The offender must chug a second if they used any of the following phrases ‘smooth-skating’, ‘puck-moving defenceman’, or ‘for that kinda money?’ While this rule may seem unduly harsh, it is designed to protect the group against a deluge of annoying Kaberle-talk.
- All players must drink if Colby Armstrong signs with the Leafs.
- If the Los Angeles Kings sign Ilya Kovalchuk, everyone must immediately chug the remainder of their drink (trust me, it will make Lombardi’s logic seem clearer).
- If the Toronto Maple Leafs sign Ilya Kovalchuk, well…jeez…I don’t know what to tell you.
- All players must drink if RFA Bobby Ryan doesn’t sign with the Anaheim Ducks.
- All players must drink on the occasion of any appearance by Donald Fehr. Chug your beer if he mentions Gary Bettman or the CBA. If you’re not sure who Fehr is, immediately go here and read Ken Campbell’s piece on the NHLPA.
- Any time Pierre Maguire starts off saying something that seems reasonable, but rambles on until the idea is reduced to insanity, all players must drink. (editor’s note: unsafe).
- All players must drink if 36-year-old Sergei Gonchar gets his way and returns to the Pittsburgh Penguins with a three-year deal. Don’t let them bully you with that whole ‘we’ve got Hamhuis’ rights, now we don’t need you’ thing, Sergei!
- Anyone who can correctly define what an unrestricted free-agent is forces everyone else to drink. (Hint: in today’s NHL a 27-year old with four years of NHL service, or any player with seven years of NHL service, is an UFA)
- If Evgeni Nabokov gives the ‘Patrick Roy salute’ to the NHL and departs for mother Russia, all players must drink.
- Anytime Brian Burke answers a question with a single word, all players must drink.
- If Paul Martin returns to New Jersey, drink. It’s unlikely as Lou Lamoriello often appears vindictive with Devils who test free-agency waters.
- If Dan Hamhuis’ rights are traded for a third (or a fourth, or a fifth…), all players must drink once for each team who has owned the rights to Hamhuis so far this off-season. Have another drink in salute if the hard-done-by fellow finally gets his way (reportedly) and signs with a Western Conference team. Drink once again for Angus if Hamhuis ends up in Vancouver. However, should Hamhuis sign with the Leafs, immediately set down drink, remove your hat, and offer the poor bastard a moment of silence.
- If Nashville spends the remainder of their cap space (21.5 million bucks), all players must chug the remainder of their drinks. Your pretty safe here, folks.
- If Alexander Frolov is silly enough to announce that he will consider offers from the KHL, all players must drink.
- Any time Nick Kypreos gives the camera a Ben Stiller-esque ‘blue steel’ look before launching into a rant about something. (editor’s note: also unsafe).
- All players must drink if Lee Stempniak signs with a team for more than 4 million a year (regardless of term).
- Any bona fide Ottawa Senators fans can extract a penalty of choice from other players if Jason Spezza is shipped out of Canada’s capital city.
- If the St. Louis Blues trade the rights to Jaroslav Halak, all players must immediately drain their drinks.
- Should Willie Mitchell announce his retirement and declare his intentions to become a motivational speaker, all players must drink.
- Lastly, doff your cap to a great day, and then get a cab home, or crash on the couch.